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                    The Simpleton's Life
       Perhaps the most angering thing I've seen on television since the Anna Nicole show is called 'The Simple Life'. If you haven't seen it, I envy you. But here's the basic premise: two young, rich women, who have been born into prosperity, travel around rural areas of the United States. They spend a few days living with a lucky family and working odd jobs around the area to earn spending money. I'm sure the use of the word 'simple' in the show's title is meant to refer to the way of life the girls are exposed to, but I can assure you that nothing they will see is as simple as they are themselves.
       The two stars of the program are Paris Hilton, heiress to the Hilton hotel chain fortune, and Nicole Ritchie, daughter of wuss-song musician Lionel Ritchie. The only thing that could be more excruciating than watching this show would be watching these two play chess. They are truly the least intelligent people I've ever seen.
       Paris Hilton is famous for basically two things: being rich and supposedly being hot. Well, she's rich... though not one cent of it is from her own effort. As far as being hot... I don't see it. Her face is somewhat of a cross between a horse and a hummingbird, and is often stricken with a vacant expression. Her body is pretty much that of a 12 year old boy.
        Nicole Ritchie isn't much better. She reminds me of Gollum, only nowhere near as intelligent or well-spoken. Just like her partner in stupidity, she likes to wear revealing clothing that show off... well, not much. Old Lionel must have been on some really potent drugs when this kid was concieved. That would explain alot.
         The funniest thing about the show is how these two dullards run around laughing and giggling the whole time, never realing that the joke is completely on them. Even compared to the most inbred, backwoods hicks they run across, they come out looking like stumps with nice clothes. Their vocabulary is close to being non-existent; on one occasion that my morbid curiosity forced me to watch, I counted them using the phrase "That's hot." twenty-three times. And that was before my brain forced me to change the channel to something a little more intellectual, like Win, Lose, or Draw.
        The saddening part of the show is that none of the families they live with will never make as much money in their lifetimes as these two spend on shoes in a weekend, despite the fact that they;re intelligent, good-natured people- the moral and intellectual superiors to those two buffoons in every way. It's a crime. It really is.
        If there really is a supreme being, perhaps they'll both be mauled by diseased, mutant sewer rats... creatures still more intelligent than Paris and Nicole.

Top 10 Things I'd Rather Do Than Listen to Anything By Elvis: That's right.... I'm goin after 'the King'. Whatever. I'm sick of hearing about this loser. I hate the old fat Elvis. I hate the young greasy Elvis. I hate the Elvis stamp. I mean, there's a reason 98% of all white trash have a crappy velvet painting of the guy in their doublewide.

10. Watch eleven straight hours of Old Navy commercials, featuring  Fran Drescher.
9. Watch the movie Kazaam, with a Shaq Diesel rap CD blaring over the stereo.
8. Shave my pubes with a rusty, Grim Reaper style scythe.
7. Give Saddam Hussein a flea shampoo.
6. Watch C-SPAN for more than 6 seconds.
5. Listen to Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Jean-Claude Van Damme recite the Twelve Days of Christmas in their native languages. Okay, I really don't know what Stallone's native language is... but it can't be English.
4. Have George Foreman hold a blazing hot Foreman grill closed on my hand.
3. Mediate a debate on nuclear physics between Anna Nicole Smith and Paris Hilton.
2. Give Sally Struthers a sponge bath.
1. Deep fry my head, then have it served to me by that retarded Emeril guy.

Why Anna Nicole Smith Must Die, or, Why God Cannot Exist.

   I was surfing through the channels last night, and had one of the most horrific experiences of my life so far. I caught an episode of the Anna Nicole Show on the E! network. As I sit here now I still don't know why I didn't change the channel. I suppose it's the same morbid curiosity that makes me slow down when I pass a traffic accident. Whatever it was, I wish it would have left me alone last night.
   This woman has no redeeming value. None. I honestly tried to think of one reason she needs to exist, and there are none. I'm still trying to recover. I may take an online IQ test later to see how much damage was done. It was painful. I found myself hating her existence. It actually made me sad.
   First of all, she's stupid. She's unbelievably and astoundingly stupid. She sounds like a three year old. Let me clarify, she sounds like a mentally challenged three year old. She's so stupid it hurts. She can't complete even the most basic coherent sentence. I found myself wishing to see her in a game of Scrabble against her dog (which is named Sugar Pie... another painful blow to my brain). In all honesty and seriousness, I cannot say which would win. It's possible that Anna Nicole may be able to get some two or three letter words on the board (possibly names of foods), but it also seems equally possible that the dog might knock some tiles onto the board and accomplish just as much. Sweet Lord and Baby Jesus, even this morning I cannot get over the stupidity.
   The second reason, and the one which makes me most sad, is that she's rolling in money. I found myself thinking of all the single mothers in the world, working two or three different low pay jobs just to qualify as being poor. Thinking of that, and watching this woman made me angry. Damn angry. She's got money because she married a 90+ year old man and he died. I'm not saying for sure that she was a gold digger, because a man that age, either through senility or stroke, was probably on the same mental level and it could have been true love. I'm sure any money she made from Playboy was gone long ago, spent on either Hoho's or heroin, or both.
   She's also incredibly whiney and spoiled. Once again like a 3 year old, but like spoiled three year old brat. It's sickening. And because she has all that money, she has a personal assistant and a lawyer that travel with her, and kiss her planet-like ass without shame. Not one of them will stand up and say "Hey, stop being a fucking moron! You suck beyond all that sucks!"
   She also has a son, Daniel, who looks to be around 14-16, and he seems amazingly well adjusted. Now, I'm normally a person who can't stand people who blame all their troubles on their parents, but this is one kid who has every right to lose his mind. I could see the mix of love and utter embarrassment on his face. If I could have super powers, I'd turn invisible and whisper 'matricide' over and over behind him. No jury could possibly convict him. Hell, he'd deserve a medal.
   Am I being too judgemental toward Jabba's mistress? Part of me thinks I might be. But am I wrong? You tell me.

Rants of the Wombat: From time to time The Wombat sees things and completely loses it. He finds it therapeutic to put it in writing.

Defending Beavis
I"m getting pretty sick and tired of sorry sack-of-shit parents blaming everything on the planet for their kids' stupidity except themselves. You can't even surf past a news channel without seeing something being blamed on South Park, Beavis and Butthead, anime, Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons, music, movies, or video games. Hell, it wasn't so long ago that a group of little morons thought it would be cool to climb down in the sewer to find the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Which, of course, was blamed on those same cartoon reptiles. Where were these kids' parents? Nevermind that, just recently, some moron (aparently touted as an expert of some kind) on MSNBC was claiming that the Beltway Sniper might be a rebellious teen who self trained by playing Sniper-related video games. Excuse me? What the fuck ever. It's about time that people in this country start taking responsiblity for their own actions, and that definitely includes raising your damn kids. I'm sorry, but little Timmy did not light the preschool on fire because Beavis likes fire. He lit the school on fire because you suck as a parent for letting him watch Beavis and Butthead, and also because he apparently inherited your weak little braincells. If you listen to a heavy metal album and suddenly decide to kill yourself, you're mentally ill. It's not because of something the band said. If you look for cartoon turtles in the sewers, you're a moron and your parents should be shot. Another point - half the things you hear parents blaming for their stupid kids is something kids shouldn't even be involved with! Do parent's think anything animated is for kids? Children should not watch Beavis and Butthead, Southpark, etc. Games, music, movies, TV... all of these have rating systems. These so-called parents are supposed to be involved with their kids, monitoring what they watch, listen to, and buy.... and they're not doing it. And yes, I know that it's impossible to keep an eye on your kids 24 hours a day, which brings me to a more important point. If you raised your kids in a halfway capable manner, they'd know the difference between fantasy and reality, right and wrong. Even if they ::gasp:: saw Beavis and Butthead, they'd already know it's probably not a good idea to light the preschool on fire. They'd know, before listening to their gangsta rap CD that it's not OK to steal a gun and shoot the kid that made fun of their generic shoes. I mean, shit, I watched Tom and Jerry every fucking day of my life until I was like 10 years old, and not once did I allow my hand to be smashed flat by an anvil because I knew that I could fix it by blowing into my thumb. Don't even get me started on Dungeons and Dragons (you can even throw Harry Potter and Magic the Gathering into this now). They lead to Satanism and the occult about as much as playing Monopoly leads to being real estate agents and bank tellers. (As a matter of fact, if these idiots knew what they were talking about, they'd know that D&D actually makes a point to push you towards being heroic and good)
I guess the main point I'm trying to make is that movies, games, books, music.... this stuff can't make you a better or worse person. Parents need to stop using them as a babysitter and start raising their children with ethics and morals.... or at least common sense.

Evil Words

Profanity. Foul language. Vulgarity. Cursing. Bad words! Bull shit. That last one wasn't an example, it's what I think of the whole concept. It just baffles me that intelligent adults can accept the idea that a WORD can be any worse than any other WORD. It's a group of letters put together to form a sound that refers to something. A group of freaking letters! How can a group of letters be bad? Or maybe it's what the word refers to. Nope, that can't be it. Take shit for example. The main meaning of the word shit refers to excrement/feces, human or otherwise. True, it is a nasty, vulgar thing. But why then is it ok to say poop, shoo-shoo, doody, feces or any other socially acceptable word? They refer to the exact same thing, do they not? Vagina is totally fine with most people, as is penis, crap, "have intercourse with", ding-dang it, or urine. Hell, some words are completely ok as long you use them in certain contexts. If a guy's name is Dick, hey, no problem. As long as you're referring to a cat or a tree, you can scream pussy to your heart's content. This would make you think that it's the MEANING of the word that makes it bad, but as we've said before, you can talk about those things as long as you use the "right words". If you ask someone who say profanity is wrong WHY it is wrong, it'll make you laugh. "It just is." "That's just the way it's always been." "Everyone knows that." "That's the way I was raised." Can no one think for themselves anymore? Does no one care that they're doing something without having any idea what the reason is? I want to know who decided they were bad? Was it a group of pilgrims? An old man in a black suit in some log cabin that wrong down a list of words that were "bad". What's the deal? Why wasn't I consulted? I personally can't stand the word "sofa". Can I do something to have that word put on the list? I guess I've said my peace, and I'll be the first to admit that I conform when at work, or at my mom's house, or something like that. I guess we all have to, if just to avoid conflict. I just want to know if I'm the only one who thinks this way?




With an overwhelming 100% of the votes, Bert N' Ernie were voted as the best example of the first gay TV couple. I thought people may go for Race Bannon and Dr. Quest's portrayal of a gay, yet masculine couple, but instead the pure good and educational nature of B & E won out.


The Golden Girls won. It's official, I have some very sick readers. With 80% of the vote, you said you'd rather go spelunking in the Ancient Caverns of Ooze than get whacked in the nuts. Oh well, you chose it... pick your favorite Golden Gal and dig in.


Blip is the Champion!!! In the battle of the super monkeys, Blip has defeated Gleek, recieveing 73% of the votes. Witnesses say that Blip's power of invisibilty was just too much for Gleek's prehensile tail to overcome. You rock, Blip!


Wow, a close race! In the end, however, Peppermint Patty was chosen by my readers as the Queen of the Cartoon Lesbians! She recieved 53% of the vote, narrowly defeating Thelma of Scooby Doo fame, who recieved 47% (for the math-retarded). Hmm, maybe they'd make a fine couple.


Chewie Says:

You ever have that... not so fresh feeling?

The Wombat's Picks: The Wombat watches and listens. It may be a movie, video, website, CD, whatever. For your viewing or listening pleasure, he'll put some reccomendations here. Sometimes he may just bash something if he's in a nasty mood.

Death to Smoochy: Starring Robin Williams and Edward Norton. This had me shooting Sprite out of my nose. It's the story of Rainbow Randall (Williams), a former kiddie show star who loses the limelight, and is replaced by Smoochy (Norton), a huge purple rhino who teaches kindness and political correctness. Randall plots revenge. "Die you bastard son of Barney!" Enuff said. Tons of hilarious crap to wade through, on subjects like The Super Friends and Nintendo. This is what I'd like my site to be if I had time, ambition, or motivation.

The Best Page in the Universe: Okay, right off you can tell this guy has a pretty huge opinion of himself, which usually leads to the Wombat's wrath. But the page is pretty damned funny, and I agree with most of what the guy says. Hell, anybody who attacks Titanic with ferocity that matches my own, without ever even seeing it, is alright by me. I've added a link in 'Other Places to Vegetate'.

The Wombat's Guide to Grammar

Your: A pronoun that indicates ownership or possession. "Is this your biscuit?" "Your dead turtle smells like crap."
You're: A contraction of the simple phrase "you are". "You're a complete waste of human flesh." "Tell me where you're going to bury the body."
Their: Another pronoun indicating ownership or possession. 'Their monkeys are taking over the gas station." "Do you have their protective undergarments?"
They're: The contraction of the simple phrase "they are". "They're going to slap you with a dead pigeon." "They're no longer breathing, get the sardines."
There: A noun referring to the location or state of something. "Three marmosets and a midget hooker, now there is something you don't see every day" "If you go over there, I may not have to kill you."
To: A prepostion indicating a direction of some kind. "Can you take me to the nudie bar?" "Liquified Spam does strange things to your digestive system."
Too: An adverb indicating an extreme measure of an adjective. "Sometimes people are just too stupid to live." "If your scrotum is too swollen, try using a good hand lotion."
Two: A number greater than one and less than three. "Your IQ is approximately two." "Is there any way I can get two packets of handi-wipes?"
Here: A noun indicating a place. "You can go here to get really good weasels." "You are here.... unfortunately."
Hear: A verb meaning to sense an audible sound. "Did you hear that flatulence?" "I can still hear their screams when I sleep."
Then: A word referring to a time or occasion. "Okay, I'll dump the thirty burritos behind the monkey cage, then I'll meet you." "Once you've finished bathing the walruses, then you can have some potted meat."
Than: A word that compares two or more things. "I would rather do nothing than watch Kazaam." "Your mother's butt stinks more than a dead, rotting skunk corpse."
Lose: A verb meaning to fail, or to misplace. "I hope I don't lose the duck corpse I purchased." "Shaquille O'Neal would most likely lose a chess match to an extension cord."
Loose: An adjective meaning free of confinement, or like a whore. "Man, your mom is loose!" "If I can get the groundhog loose, maybe the VCR will work again."
As long as you can remember this much grammar, you will get along nicely with The Wombat.

"Was that a goat?"
         Patrick Warburton in Big Trouble
"This word, I do not think it means what you think it means..."
                       Inigo Montoya
"Something strange is afoot at the Circle K."
                       Ted "Theodore" Logan

"When danger reared its ugly head
  He bravely turned his tail and fled"
               The Minstrel

"Much to learn, you still have"

"You think a Stormtrooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killin in white uniforms."

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